Friday, September 23, 2011

I won't let you damage my self esteem mac&cheese. Not again.

Last night for dinner I had Pop Tarts and Cup Noodles (look at the package; it doesn’t say Cup of Noodles. Just found that out and it blew my mind). So tonight I thought I should have something that at least resembled a proper meal, lest I become a collegiate stereotype.

My idea of a proper meal is a plentiful bounty of hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. Because I’m a champion.

As my faithful sous-chef/roomsie Courtney was preparing the dish of noodley goodness, she wisely sought my advice. She was unsure whether to use the ‘suggested’ preparation instructions or the ‘classic’ prep.

I was a bit shocked when I looked at the box and saw that there were, in fact, two different preparation options. I think this is ludicrous, as the classic is always the better option (just ask New Coke).

But then it all became clear. The ‘suggested’ preparation had 75% less fat and 30% less calories (and thus 100% less deliciousness). I couldn’t believe it. I was being judged by a macaroni box.
“Hey listen, I’m saying this just as a suggestion, maybe use less butter? Or you know what, just put me back in the cupboard and have a salad. And then go to the gym, because you disgust me.”

Well screw you, Kraft macaroni and cheese preparation instructions. I am secure with myself. And now I’m going to add extra butter just out of spite.

Or just eat more Pop Tarts instead. Because they love me for who I am. 


  1. You crack me up. I think warning labels on ice cream should be mandatory. Who knew that ice cream everyday plus six weeks off work, mostly spent on the couch equals 9 lbs? Not me, that's who. Why? Because I wasn't warned!!!!

  2. Hmmm anonymous sounds a lot like MOM!

  3. Both comments are from family members. I'm famous ;)

  4. OH MAN!!! They still have the ORIGINAL instructions, but they are all tiny and off to the side! It is like these instructions where written by my judgmental mother-in-law who replaced all my peanut butter with low fat. Thanks for bringing this issue to light.

  5. In all fairness, Kraft probably only did that because someone sued them for not offering a 'healthier' way of making it. Kind of like suing McDonald's for serving you hot coffee, which is what you wanted when you ordered it, but when you spill it on yourself because you were trying to drive and talk on a cell phone and put on your makeup, well, you just have to blame someone.

    Personally, I haven't bothered with the instructions on mac'n'cheese since I was a kid....

  6. I want warning labels on Slurpees so I will remember not to drink them too fast and get a brain freeze.