Thursday, September 15, 2011

If a genie ever grants you three wishes, don't base them on a Beach Boys song

Today I moved the majority of my belonging to my new apartment in Corvallis with the help of my wonderful parents and one of my roommates. As everyone knows, moving is very difficult and very tiring. But as I lounge in my bed, relaxing and watching the Shining, I’m not thinking about moving.

I’m thinking, of course, about the Beach Boys. Specifically, the fact that you should never take practical advice from a Beach Boys song.

This thought first struck me on the way home while listening to “Wouldn’t it be nice”. Now I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this, like most Beach Boy songs, is one of the most ludicrously happy sounding tunes you are likely to stumble upon. Just the opening bars are enough to make me want to bounce back and forth and do jazz hands (which of course, I do).

My first problem with this song becomes clear in the opening lyrics: wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?

No. As simple as that. It is not nice to be older. In fact, even as I prepare to head off for my next year of college I am spending most of my time trying to create a device to allow me to return to the age of seven. Because My Little Ponies are nice. And Barbies and dress-up and red rover and Sky Dancers (even if Sky Dancers are now illegal due to the fact they are too awesome for kids to handle. Also they smack you in the face with the force of an MMA fighter.)

Getting older? Not so nice.

But Peter Pan Syndrome aside, I still have one major problem with this song, and that is the following lyric: I wish that every kiss was never ending.

First of all, if it is never ending then there is no ‘every’ kiss. It is one kiss. The SAME kiss, going on and on forever.

Wouldn’t it be nice? NO. It would be a NIGHTMARE.

A never ending kiss would be fine for maybe the first twenty minutes. But after the first day? Week? Year?! If you last that long without dying of starvation of course. I guess you would just have to sort of wedge the food in between your lips. Or maybe you could get hooked up to an IV.

"It's been three years. Just please kill me." 

And how would you sleep? Is it physically possible to continue a single kiss while sleeping? I think not. I think you would have to stay awake, hour after hour, locked in a hellish prison of lips with someone who by that point you probably despise. And when the last star blinks out at the edge of eternity, there you’ll be, still kissing.

And wouldn't it be nice? 

1 comment:

  1. omg Skydancers!!!!! I didn't know what they were called, my brother and i used to chase the cats and kill each other with them!!! so much awesome.